Grilled Pork Chop with Butternut Hominy

Ha! I tricked you! No recipe here. I brined and grilled some boneless, center cut pork chops. I also grilled some asparagus, tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper. The real beauty of this dish is the perfectly balanced hominy with butternut squash and goat cheese, but I stole that recipe from my all-time favorite food blog, Thursday Night Smackdown and I refuse to steal her thunder. Go. Read her. Worship her. And make her food.

Lemon-Rosemary Cobb Salad

I totally lifted this recipe from Bobby Flay, and it is one of the two ways I will eat steak. I monkeyed around with it a bit, and I never really measure stuff, and it's become a family favorite.

1. I use that really thin steak for this, but if you actually like red meat, you can use any steak you like. Marinate it overnight in tons of garlic, salt, fresh rosemary, and olive oil. Grill it to your liking, but use a hot flame to get a nice char on the outside. Let it rest a few minutes, then slice or chop. Before you turn off the grill, halve two lemons and grill them for about 5 minutes, or until the sugars on the cut ends begin to caramelize. Save for dressing.
2. Roughly chop the other salad ingredients: romaine lettuce, avocado, green onions, crisp bacon, and tomatoes. Crumble some good bleu cheese. If you like hard-boiled eggs, add them. I think they're disgusting, so I don't. Bobby Flay grills the scallions, and uses prosciutto instead of bacon, in case you wondered. I don't bother.
3. Assemble the salad: a traditional Cobb places the ingredients in rows over the lettuce, as in my picture. I like it that way, too, so that every bite combines different flavors.
4. Make the dressing: blend the juice of one grilled lemon, about 1/2 C olive oil, salt, pepper, and a T of minced garlic (Bobby Flay uses a few cloves of roasted garlic, which is delicious, but I usually forget to prepare in advance), plus some more fresh rosemary. Taste and adjust with more grilled lemon or olive oil. There is so much creamy stuff on this salad (cheese, avocado, bacon) that I err on the side of tartness--I usually use at least a lemon and a half in the dressing. Drizzle over salad.

Simple Ratatouille

I love Thomas Keller's recipe for Confit Biyaldi, which was the basis for the ratatouille Remy makes in the Pixar movie of the same name. It takes forever to make, though, and requires veggies that are all the same width, which never seems possible in South Florida. Luckily, I found that if I cook the veggies in the same pot, it comes out with pretty much the same flavors--as long as I add the secret ingredient.

Serves about 8.

1. I cut the following veggies into rough 3/4" chunks: eggplant, zucchini, yellow squash, bell peppers (red, orange, and yellow), sweet onion. In a Dutch oven, I sauteed the onion in a hefty amount of olive oil (about 1/4 C) until soft, then added the rest of the veggies, a pinch of red pepper flake, and some salt. I cooked the veggies, stirring occasionally, until they were softened, about 10 minutes.
   
2. I added 2/3 of a large can of crushed San Marzano tomatoes (the sweetness of these tomatoes is key to this dish, and worth the extra money) and a handful each of chopped fresh parsley and torn fresh basil.
   
3. I cooked the ratatouille for another 15 minutes, tasted, re-seasoned, and added a swirl of good balsamic vinegar. That last addition makes all the difference in the world.
   
4. This time, I served the ratatouille over egg noodles, but it's amazing as is, and makes for fantastic cold or room-temperature leftovers.

Orecchiette w/ Garlic Shrimp

This was quick and easy and delicious--and potentially lethal. Make sure everyone around you is eating the same thing.

Serves 4, with leftovers.

1. I put on a big pot of salted water to boil, and while it was heating up shelled and sliced 2 lbs of jumbo shrimp (I cut each shrimp into about 3 pieces). I tossed the shrimp with salt, pepper, and a heaping spoonful of minced garlic. When the water boiled, I threw in about 2/3 lb of orecchiette and let them cook for about 8 minutes before I started my sauce.
   
2. I heated about 3 T of olive oil in a saute pan with a pinch of red pepper flake. I added the shrimp and stirred occasionally until they were pink and cooked through. Then I threw in one of those tiny bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and let some of it evaporate. I stirred in a few handfuls of baby spinach, a handful of chopped parsley, and tasted for seasoning.
   
3. I reserved 1/4 C of the pasta water, drained the pasta, and tossed it in the sauce. I added a little of the pasta water to moisten it, but didn't use the whole 1/4 C. I may also have topped it with some grated Parmesan, but I honestly don't remember.

Insta-dinner

I hate cooking dinner after a prolonged grocery store visit. I rarely do it. Usually I claim wifely privilege, saying, "I just did all the shopping. I'll be doing all the cooking, all week. But not tonight." And so we get a pizza or something. This time, however, I noticed that we had all the makings of a fondue in the grocery bags, and I thought even exhausted I could handle some rough chopping and a little grating.

I steamed some baby potatoes (I didn't cut them or peel them, cuz, hey, this was supposed to be easy) in the same pot as a head of broccoli, ripped into florets. I tore up a chunk of sourdough baguette, chunked up a few apples, wiped off some button mushrooms, and I was ready.

The fondue came together so quickly! I boiled a bottle's worth of Guiness, threw in some whole-grain mustard, minced garlic, and English mustard powder, then added handfuls of grated sharp Cheddar (tossed with a tablespoon of cornstarch to prevent clumping). I whisked after each addition until smooth and kept going until my pound of cheese was all smooth and bubbly and delicious.

Poured into my fancy-pants All-Clad fondue pot, this did a great job of pretending to be a classy, time-consuming meal. We ate like pigs, and not for the first time (well beyond, in fact, the four thousandth time), I thanked the universe for not making me lactose intolerant.

Choose Your Own (squash) Adventure!

In the past week, I made butternut mac and cheese TWICE. This is unprecedented, as I repeat meals less frequently than Victoria Beckham repeats outfits. I don't even eat leftovers. This fact alone should help convince you that both of these recipes were very, very good. [Food blogger fail: I have pictures of neither dish. Sorry.]

They are also extremely different. Both are easy and delicious. Only one has any nutritional value to speak of, and one is decidedly grown-up food. So, I'll let you choose.

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M-N-C #1
Last weekend, my family joined forces with another awesome family and rented a cabin near Unicoi State Park in north Georgia. On the first full day of the trip, we took the kiddoes to Burt's Pumpkin Farm for hayrides and...well...pumpkins. There were about 30 different varies of squash and pumpkin, laid out in the sun and bunched together in wooden trays under a rustic lean-to, and every one of them called out to my root-vegetable-loving heart and demanded that I Cook Them That Very Night.

Enter the first squash success: butternut mac-n-cheese. Quick, kid-friendly, delicious, and surprisingly good for you. Since we're all friends here, I'll admit that, if I had read the recipe carefully and realized how healthful it was, I probably wouldn't have made it. Because anything calling itself mac-n-cheese that has so little cheese it in would just piss me off on principle. But hear me out, because it really was delicious. Just, maybe, don't think of it as mac-n-cheese--more like a butternut pasta casserole or something.

Saint's Butternut Mac-n-Cheese
--Cut 1 large butternut squash into 1 1/2" cubes.
--Boil squash in mixture of mostly water w/ some stock and a little 2% milk (enough liquid to just cover squash), 15-20 min.
--Puree or mash squash w/ liquid; add pinch dry mustard, nutmeg, salt and pepper.
--Mix squash with 1/2 C part-skim ricotta and 4T grated Parmesan.
--Taste and adjust seasoning.
--Combine squash with 1 lb cooked penne pasta. Mix well.
--Coat lasagna pan w/ cooking spray; add pasta.
--Sprinkle with panko crumbs (mixed with 2T Parmesan and 1t of butter or oil).
--Bake at 375 for 10-15 min, or until brown.


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M-N-C #2
In the middle of the week, I needed an emergency dinner idea. I was really hungry, and I actually had some time to prepare a decent meal (as opposed to the twenty minutes in which I normally have to cram prep, cooking, and eating). I had a butternut squash in my fridge (don't you? at all times? just in case?) and a large block of Cheddar, so I thought, what the hell?, and I went for my second m-n-c of the week.

Browsing around Tasteologie always gets my creative juices flowing, and it has pretty enough photos to convince Dorian to try almost anything, so I relied on those fine contributors for my recipe. This one is adapted from A Good Appetite. They have buckets of yummy recipes, so go check them out! At any rate, it was far easier than I'd anticipated, what with the whole roast-the-squash-then-make-a-cream-sauce thing. By the time the pasta was cooked, the squash was roasted and the sauce simmered patiently on the stove.

Sinner's Jalapeno Butternut Mac-n-Cheese
--Roast cubed butternut squash w/ olive oil, salt, and pepper until browned.
--Cook 1 lb penne pasta (I used whole wheat to great effect here).
--Melt a little butter in a saucepan, and saute 1/2 minced onion and 2 chopped jalapenos.
--Add 2 T flour and cook, stirring, for 1 min.
--Whisk in 1/2 C heavy cream and about 1 C milk; stir for 2 min. until thick.
--Stir in 10 oz grated sharp Cheddar and 1 T dry mustard.
--Season with salt and pepper.
--Combine pasta and squash in saucepan.
--Pour mixture into buttered/sprayed lasagna pan.
--Sprinkle with panko (tossed with Parmesan and olive oil); bake at 425 for 10 min.

If I had planned this meal instead of throwing it together at the last minute, I would have also made a fresh pico de gallo with tomatillos. Nothing makes cheese more delicious than tomatillos and onions and chiles. Seriously. Try it.

I also put some broccoli on the plate for this, as an alibi.

I will warn you, in advance, that the first m-n-c gets a little dry when you reheat it, so add a little stock or water or cream. The second m-n-c gets a little oily when you reheat it, as the cream and cheese begin to separate into their components. Still tastes awesome, though. And maybe it's a good thing--you can pour some of the grease out and then you don't ingest it.

Victory for the Forces of Democratic Freedom!

Well, okay. There’s nothing intrinsically democratic about vegetarian cuisine. Egalitarian, maybe. Ethical, certainly. But democratic is a stretch. I was just going to go with “Victory!” but then the little David Foster Wallace in my head forced me to submit to his perverse will.

Back to the victory: two delicious meatless meals last week, both wild successes, neither eliciting any form of “this would be good with meat” commentary from Dorian. Unfortunately for you, gentle reader, we once again put this food in our bellies before the camera could climb out of its case. But no matter—curry isn’t the most attractive foodstuff in the world. Damn tasty though.

Before the curry, I made a zucchini taco filling from Rick Bayless’ Mexico: One Plate at a Time, which has been my kitchen bible for over a decade. Bayless’ tome is my Joy of Cooking, my Mastering the Art of French Cooking; it’s how I taught myself to cook. If I’d had the foresight, I could have blogged my way through it and scored a lucrative book deal. Except I had no particular desire to change my name. (To Ricki. For the blog. Ricki and Rick. Like Julie and Julia. Get it?)

And but so, I’ve made nearly everything in the Bayless book except these tacos, which I have oft eyed up but never had the courage to serve to my family. Zucchini? In a taco?? Blech. That’s what their faces said, anyway. But I finally did it, and I’ll have you know, it was freaking amazing. Dorian LOVED it, and begged me to make it for dinner again as soon as possible. Say it with me, people: VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF DEMOCRATIC FREEDOM!

Zucchini Taco Filling
--Broil 2 poblanos 10 min or until black all over. Put them in a bowl covered with a kitchen towel for 10 min. Rub the blackened skins off and pull out the seeds and stem. Slice into ¼” strips.
--Saute 1 chopped onion in a little veggie oil until browned, 8 min.
--Add 2 cloves minced garlic; sauté 1 min.
--Add 1 small can crushed tomatoes (or 4 small tomatoes, pureed); reduce heat to medium-low, cover, and cook 5 min.
--Turn up heat to medium-high; add 3 zucchini, diced into ½” pieces, 1 C corn kernels, and poblano strips; add 3 T chopped cilantro, 2/3 C whipping cream, and 1 t salt. Sauté 8 min.
--Serve on warm corn tortillas with crumbled feta or queso fresco.

The second win of the week was this sweet, spicy, rich-but-healthy veggie curry from a deviation on a recipe found Cook’s Illustrated. I don’t want to impinge on their copyright (they guard those recipes very closely!), so I can’t give exact measurements here. But if you are a moderately adept cook, you’ll find great success in just throwing stuff in a Dutch oven and letting it simmer. Note that you can also change the veggies to suit your tastes.

Curry with Eggplant, Sweet Potato, and Green Beans
--Saute 2 chopped onions in a couple T veggie oil. Use a Dutch oven or large sauté pan.
--Add a large sweet potato, cut into ½” dice; sauté until potato and onion are browned.
--Add aromatics: a dollop of minced garlic, a couple dollops of curry powder, a sliced jalapeno, a dollop of garam masala, and some grated fresh ginger. Don’t fret; you really can’t screw this part up as far as amounts/ratios go. Saute 1 min, until fragrant.
--Add other veggies. I used a diced eggplant, a couple of handfuls of fresh green beans (cut into 1” lengths), and a can of chickpeas. Cauliflower would also be good. Stir around until veggies are coated with the spices.
--Throw in a small can of diced tomatoes (make sure you avoid the basil-flavored ones; I almost had a disgusting kitchen misstep because of these insidious bastards), a dollop of tomato paste, and about ½ C water, and cook over medium-low heat for about 20 min, or until the veggies are tender.
--Swirl in just a couple of tablespoons of heavy cream or coconut milk.

This was delicious by itself, but its yummy factor was amped up tremendously by the addition of some mango chutney and a Greek yogurt-cilantro-mint—grated cucumber-garlic mixture. And a generous squeeze of fresh lime.

This curry reheats exceptionally well, and so is ideal for a weekend meal with weekday leftovers. AND it takes about a tenth of the time that most curries require. AND it’s meatless (vegan, even, I think, if you use the coconut milk). AND it has no butter, unlike much Indian food. The only potential drawback is that my son couldn’t eat it; it was just too spicy for a kindergartner. Next time I might leave out the jalapeno, and grate it into the raita instead.

Stir Monday

Wish it were the end of the week...then I could've called it "Stir Fry-day." *sigh*

Tonight was just a simple weeknight dinner, but it was really delicious. I was supposed to be making a cold soba noodle salad, but all of my local grocery stores chose this week to not have any soba noodles, thus making preparation of said salad pretty difficult. So I defaulted to my favorite stir-fry sauce and just tossed all the veggies together. I don't care how inept you are in the kitchen, you can totally throw this meal together. Plus, you can toss the protein right into the stir-fry, thus making a one-pot meal. Bonus.

I took cues from two stir-fry recipes for this: one from the dreaded South Beach Cookbook, and one from a truly spectacular Epicurious.com dish (pork with tangerines and bok choy--look it up and make it!). Here's how it goes down:

--Veggies, variously sliced and prepared for stir-frying
--Chinese 5-spice powder
--Sugar-free apricot jam
--Soy sauce
--Minced fresh ginger and garlic
--Scallions
--Chili oil (optional; also could use red pepper flake)

Ages and ages ago, when "cooking show" meant public television programming hosted by Julia Child, Pierre Franey, Justin Wilson, or Lydia Bastianich, I learned from Martin Yan (who, it turns out, can actually cook) that the secret to stir-frying is "hot pan, cold oil." This advice has never led me astray, so I pass it onto you now. Get your wok (or non-stick pan) really, really hot, pour in some cold or room temp vegetable oil (grapeseed oil works great for this b/c of its high smoke point), then add the aromatics: ginger, garlic, scallions. STIR.

After about 30 seconds, you should smell the aromatics. Immediately add the longest-cooking veggies; I started with green beans, trimmed and sliced into 1" lengths. Keep stirring--this is why you need to have all ingredients prepped in advance! After a few minutes, toss in some other veggies and maybe a little more oil to keep it all from burning. I used mushrooms, quartered; I let those go for few minutes, then added 1/2" squares of red and yellow peppers. Push 'em around a bit, then let them hang out. The peppers will give off so much liquid that your veg won't burn if you walk away for a minute or two.

While they are doing their thing, mix together in a small bowl some 5-spice powder (about 1 T) and the apricot jam (1/3 C, maybe??). Loosen it up with 1-2 T of soy sauce. Please do not use low-sodium soy sauce, as you need the saltiness to even out the sweet from the jam. When the veggies are about done, add the sauce and stir. Let it heat through so the jam melts a bit, toss with a small stream of sesame oil and a teaspoon or so of sesame seeds, if you want to be fancy, and serve.

On this particular occasion, I served the veggies with brown rice and very simply broiled fish. But, as I say, you can stir-fry up some thinly sliced meat or other protein, or toss in some shrimp, and it'll all work together merrily.

You'll never guess what I made.

BLACK BEAN BURGERS!

No shit. I really, really did. I think I used the fourth bunch of cilantro I've bought in preparation for these damned things, but it happened. We had a full-on work weekend and I didn't go to the grocery store (#CookFail), but luckily...we had all the ingredients for these burgers. Excepting maybe the cilantro, you probably do, too.

Note in advance: This recipe is super-forgiving. Amounts are really not important. And you can add anything you want or top any way you want. You could probably also bake them. And they reheat well!

--Drain 2 cans black beans; add about 2/3 of them to bowl.
--Mash w/ back of fork or potato masher.
--Stir in 1 egg (1), minced garlic, onion powder (2), salt, cayenne, cumin, oregano.
--Gently stir in 1/4 C panko, ton of chopped cilantro, and remaining whole beans.
--Shape into patties (smaller ones don't break up as much).
--Crisp up in non-stick pan, 4-5 min. per side, until they look a little dry.
--Serve w/ cheese, salsa, guacamole, radish slices, lettuce, sour cream...whatever.
--Put them on a roll if you're not carb- or gluten-conscious. Or in pita.

I always serve this with those frozen spicy chipotle sweet potato fries, which are extra delicious if you mix together some ketchup and Sriracha (Thai hot sauce) for dipping (3). A little mixed greens salad is nice, too.

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(1) You can use a couple of glops of mayo instead if raw egg grosses you out. It grosses me out, but it does cook while the burgers are in the pan. And literally NOTHING grosses me out more than mayonnaise.

(2) It'd be delicious if you felt like chopping and sauteeing an actual onion, along with the garlic, but that totally ruins the appeal for me, because this meal is supposed to be fast, easy, and virtually mess-free.

(3) And I hate ketchup, mind. So you know this is good if I'll recommend it.

Tomorrow, our trash will REEK.

I live on a peninsula--actually, a peninsula of a peninsula (and on the very bottom of it, too). I can reach open water by driving ten minutes in nearly any direction--or by walking, if I travel south. We have beaches galore, palm trees to spare, and even our weeds look like tropical flowers. These are some of the blessings of living in Florida.

On the other thand, we also have alligators, bugs that can swallow a small dog, the highest number of batshit crazy people per capita of any state in the US (1), and zero fucking ability to grow produce with any flavor. The water, though, is teeming with delicious life-forms: mahi, snapper, hogfish (3),bonefish, cobia, mullet, pompano, amberjack, sheepshead, swordfish, and, of course, grouper (which should just be polite already and swim around with a good roll and a slice of provolone wrapped around it).

I offer all this by way of noting how incredibly difficult it is to find simply cooked seafood in Florida restaurants. Everyone has a grouper or mahi sandwich and some sort of Cajun-spiced blah-fish (tilapia, mostly), but the fresh fillets described on menus are reliably salmon or tuna--neither of which thrive in warm Florida waters. Why are we flying or trucking in fish, especially frozen fish, when we could step out our front doors and rustle up some fantastic grub? Don't want to offer "sheepshead," ye timid restaurants? Call it something else: if Bonefish Grill can re-brand tilapia as "California longfin," you can christen a weird-sounding or pedestrian fish however you like. Just go local, for god's sake!

No doubt tired of my constant bitching about the lack of decent seafood at area restaurants, Dorian disappeared to the grocery store last night and came home laden with clams, mussels, lobster tails, and snow crab legs. (8) We went with the classically French technique (4) of cramming it all into a pot with some other stuff and boiling it. I picked everything out, piled it into a bowl, doused it in garlic butter, patiently waited for Dorian to photograph it (5), and then dug in.

--Scrub some small red potatoes; pile into giant pot.
--Roughly chop a sweet onion; add to pot with some fresh thyme.
--Throw a coupla cloves of garlic in there, too--and some lemons.
--Fill with a few quarts of water; cover; boil 10 min.
--Meanwhile, clean a shitload of shellfish. (6)
--Cram the shellfish into the pot; break 2 corn cobs in half; add.
--Cover; boil 5-7 min.

Side project:
--In small shallow saucepan, melt 1 stick butter.
--Add at least 1 T minced garlic, juice of 1/2 lemon, some white wine.
--Add pinch of red pepper flake, sprig of thyme, a little salt.
--Melt together over low-ish heat while seafood boils. (7)

Seriously, this took like 20 minutes and about $30. We ate like kings: gluttonous, greasy, crab-splattered kings. Seafood restaurants have NO EXCUSE for not offering something this cheap, easy, and fucking fantastic. Get on the ball, Conch Republic! Do you hear me, the Hurricane? What's up Backfin Blue? Even you, Keegan's--step it up!

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(1) Carl Hiaasen once said that only Floridians understand that his novels are non-fiction. (2)

(2) Still skeptical? I discovered this morning that the "balloon boy" family recently relocated here. We didn't even notice.

(3) Hogfish are an excellent exemplar of the Ugly Fish Taste Especially Delicious rule. If you've never had it, you need to hightail it down to the Keys and git yerself some. It makes grouper taste like canned tuna.

(4) Not. This was an American-style seafood boil, all the way.

(5) Yeah, right. I was HUNGRY. You know I whined and wheedled and sighed loudly the entire time.

(6) No, I'm not listing them again. Did you not read up there? I already told you what we had. You could also throw in shrimp or some firm fish chunks, like cod.

(7) This is when I had my Genius Moment for the night. Rather than throwing the clams and mussels in the steamer pot with the other seafood, I poached them in the garlic butter, covered, for about 6 minutes. OH-EMM-GEE this was a good idea. The shellfish were buttery, tender, and garlicky, while the butter melded with their brine--which payed off hugely when I tipped the butter over the giant bowl of potatoes, onions, corn, crabs, and lobster.

(8) Yes, I realize that none of these things qualify as "local seafood," but my point here is that seafood restaurants never just serve steamed or grilled seafood--if you can even find a shrimp, it's fried. Crab? Forget it. At Hooter's, maybe.

Et tu, Bruce?

The title of this post will be funny to the following people: me.

Listening to me talk about food and my family, or perusing the comments left on this blog by said family, one might suppose that, were one to turn up on one of our doorsteps feeling peckish and tilting one's head to the side in an adorably pathetic way, one might be instantly rewarded with a gourmet banquet worthy of Henry VIII. One would be surprised, then, to discover that our go-to Meal For Guests is much more humble...shrimp and Caesar salad.

It's my dad's fault. He is a foodie and a half, and has literally never served me a meal that didn't send me back into the kitchen for more. And more. And then pie. He has even tricked me into eating rare roast beef by performing a virtuouso bit of magic, which he mysteriously called "making it taste good." But his signature dish is Caesar salad.

I think he got the recipe in the islands somewhere, but he learned quickly that success here calls for tools and technique more than specific quantities. I am going to share the recipe with you tonight because I aim to send you out into the world, my little minions, to put an end to the HORRORS that are being perpetrated by restaurants in the name of Caesar salad. Romaine + ranch + stinky cheese from the green can + two miserable croutons does not equal Caesar salad. (1) 

Don't even TRY to make this unless you are properly equipped. It does not work unless you have a solid wood bowl of vast proportions. (2) Got a bowl? Be honest. Friends doubt me until they try it and fail. Okay, then. Proceed.

--Smash 1 garlic in bowl with fork (or use garlic press, you lazy cheater)
--Keep your fork flat against the base of the bowl for the rest.
--Add a sizeable pinch salt and healthy dollop of anchovy paste
--Mash into disgusting grey-brown goo with fork
--Add a dollop of mustard (I like the really coarse Dijon); stir (3)
--Add juice of 1/2 lemon (yes, it must be a fresh lemon!) 
--Add dash of Worcestershire, splash of red wine vinegar; stir
--Stirring, mix in as much olive oil as you want; taste
--Tear 1 large head of Romaine into bowl
--Grate in a sizable pile of Parmesano-Reggiano
--Add fresh cracked black pepper
--Toss to coat; serve (4)

This salad is a complete, cheap, fast meal package if you add any grilled protein or toss with cubed roasted root veggies, but as I say, we go with steamed shrimp. If you buy yours steamed and seasoned from the fishmonger, I won't tell. I rarely do my own shrimp. But for true Lizz's Dad authenticity, you must peel the shrimp before serving, which adds Class and removes Annoyance (but also the fun of sucking the Old Bay off your fingers). Spicy homemade cocktail sauce, too. Obv.

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(1) And why must you charge extra for it when your embarrassing bowl contains zero fresh vegetables? That better be some high quality ranch dressing you've got there.

(2) Seriously, it must be gigantic and unable to fit comfortably anywhere in your kitchen except on top of the fridge, where it will become a receptacle for colanders and other ungainly kitchen items of dubious utility. (5)

(3) This would be a good time to add a raw egg yolk, if you were a raw egg yolk kind of person. Me, I can barely eat them cooked. It does make the dressing silky, but I like mine piquant and rather acidic. And not containing raw egg yolk.

(4) Dorian is a heathen and insists on tomatoes. I'm a purist, but I do comply with this one...most of the time. My dad uses these amazing pumpernickel croutons, but I've never found comparable, so I go without. Feel free to make your own.

(5) Some families have coming-of-age rituals, like a family heirloom that gets handed down through generations on an eighteenth birthday or a diamond necklace for your quinceañera. In my family, the year Dad got you a Caesar salad bowl for Christmas was the year you knew you had grown up. It was the most anticipated Christmas gift of my life. My sister and brother pitched in with the necessary accoutrements: a rotary grater, a hunk of Reggiano, top-shelf extra virgin olive oil, matching wooden salad tongs. I probably wept with joy and gratitude. Yeah, we're food geeks like that.